What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 00:41
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I said to her
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So, i spoilt her more .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Why do I sweat so much at the gym?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I waited trembling.
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I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was in good health!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My family never makes their pension either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I have no regrets .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I write beautiful poetry .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Was to survive, this bastard.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was seconnd youngest,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But ive been too sick for many years..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ive learnt so much.
Who then, do I blame.?
Im still living with it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Comes on , in middle age.
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But, we were locked up after school.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He knew the spot.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
What did i know ?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When she asked me how she looked .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
This is soul school!.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why did i forgive my father ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
So whats the point in blame.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My life is so biszare .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Put me off passion for life!!
She married twice! .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Would this be the day?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She loved him until the end.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!